Mixed feelings

Like I posted earlier we are nearing a large detour in our journey with Joy. Two weeks is not very long. It is different to think about how I would feel if this journey had a different road to take. With a "normal" pregnancy the excitement and worry of having a newborn in the mix would be starting to build. So many wonderful things happen when you have a newborn in the home. And there is a peace that comes with them (when they aren't crying) ha. My heart feels almost numb. I protect myself from those thoughts because really what good do they do anyway, none. I still have a nesting instinct and am wanting to build more storage everywhere, not because I will be busy holding a baby, but because I will be having surgery and need to take care of myself and 5 little hunks. (hubs included) I am starting to get excited to see her but prefer to think of it as a long ways away. :-) Probably not very healthy but it keeps me from going through a box of tissues every day in anticipation.

Whenever I feel like I am complaining (which I try not to do, I just try to be honest about my feelings) my heart turns to my sweet family and friends who I would call family :-) and their own trials trying for so many years just to have a little one in their home by any means. Some have been successful with adoption but still dont know what the future brings for future family. The anguish that they must silently feel just tears my heart.

A super amazing couple who we just became acquainted with a few years ago and became instant friends who spent our weeknights with have not been able to have any children enter their home yet. You would never know their struggles they are just so positive, but I know my friend is aching inside. I just wish I could run over and give her a big hug but they have moved and we don't get to see them often. "I am thinking of you and I care" just don't seem good enough.

Another one of my closest friends who I lived right next to growing up until she moved in my teenage years, told me a little while ago of their struggles with fertility. She wrote me the sweetest letter (she is an English major so it was beautiful!!) explaining her struggles and her yearning to feel a little life inside her. I still cry reading it and think of this sweet girl who was the closest thing I ever had to a little sister having to go through all this heartache. So many more friends that are having these trials.

These beautiful women give me strength and help me remember how blessed I am to be able to spend this time with Joy and have four beautiful healthy boys. I try to never take a moment for granted and be a more patient and loving mother. My friend said when we go through trials together we can lift one another and help each other along the way. I know they are helping me now and I hope that I get the chance to lift them in some way.

My mom gave me a journal with Joy's name on the front and a scripture beside it found in The Book of Mormon in Alma chapter 26 verse 11. In this chapter Ammon is speaking to his brothers about their recent mission to the Lamanites (a wicked warfaring people) where they had a lot of success in converting many to the word of God. These four brothers rejected their rights to the kingdom to go and preach to the Lamanites in hopes of finding a few that would believe in God. The Lord truly blessed them and the many people they converted and some of my favorite scripture stories are found in these chapters. They believed in God, followed his teachings, never doubted Him and were blessed for their faithfulness. I feel so blessed to have the fullness of the gospel, a beautiful eternal family and my heart feels the same as Ammon in this verse that says "My joy is full, yea, my heart is brim with joy, and I will rejoice in my God." I feel like I should close it like you would a talk now he he but I did want to share.