Wednesday, July 25, 2012


My sweet cousin told be about a friend who has a blog called Wink from Heaven. Their little boy was born with hydranencephaly and I believe the only difference is that he had his skull and Joy will not. He also had an eyelid that was permanently fused so he was always winking. He is a beautiful baby!.As afraid of constantly crying as I am I usually don't seek out blogs on my own so it was very sweet to have this one shared with me. Their little boy lived I think almost 8 years and this sweet mom just talks about what a miracle he was every day and shares such a sweet and strong testimony and you can feel how much she deeply loved her sweet little boy. It was so touching to read her words and think "I feel just like that" and she explains her feelings so well. It is hard for me to write down my emotions and I would always rather write about happy stuff. I feel a lot like Marjorie Hinckley where she says "you can either laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh, crying gives me a headache." I am constantly trying to find the good in our situation and I try to keep a smile on my face. Just knowing how special she must be to her Heavenly Father and how special she is to us is enough to give me a smile. But sometimes I just need to cry and feel sad that I will have such a short time with her here on earth. And feel sad that my boys don't to kiss on her sweet little cheeks every day because I know they would. One of the things that this little boys sweet mom said was "I never thought I would hang a family picture without my whole family in it." I think that sums up my heartache. I am almost 30 weeks which I am so grateful I have made it to. But it also means we have known for 14 weeks and only have 6 weeks left with her. The other day someone asked Justin if we had overcome the crying phase and were able to live life normally. I don't know that we will ever overcome the crying phase, it will get easier and the time will help but she will always be there and I will always miss her. I also know life won't be the normal that it was before when we were planning on having a healthy baby in the fall. We have changed so much and become closer as a family and closer to our Heavenly Father. We are different people. We will find a new "normal" and be, even more-so, full of joy.
Now that I feel so much better being sad and crying for a while, bring on tomorrow. I know it is going to be a beautiful day!  

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet friend... words cannot describe the tender feelings I have in my heart for you. Thank you for taking the time to get to know my little Caleb. Oh I so remember those sweet feelings of knowing my little one was tucked right beneath my heart in those months I was expecting...My heart aches with you as you anticipate saying good bye. What a sacred journey. He will carry you. I promise. On the days when my heart feels like it might break, I find in joy in knowing it is all a part of the privilege....
    If you ever need a listening ear I'd be honored 801-794-8047
    sending all my love and a little "wink"...