Eventually we realized that we would need to pick out a plot and a casket and a funeral home and a head stone and decide how we want to have her program at her services. We had known for a time where we wanted to bury her but the rest just seemed to be the things we could wait on. And now the time had come that the list needed some check marks by it and we couldn't wait any longer.
After the meeting we felt like we had finally found some help that we really needed. They have helped us answer so many questions and if they couldn't then they find the answers. We felt inspired that this last month should not be like the way we were feeling. We wanted Joy to be able to do all of the fun family things that we love to do. We really didn't change much this summer so we have done a lot of things, but now they had a purpose. Now we could do them with Joy and for Joy and be able to love every minute she is with us and get the peace back that we so desperately needed. We sat down with the boys and made a list with them of all the things we like to do as a family. We still haven't figured out how Joy will be able to rock climb with us but we will get her up there. That is an important family tradition that we haven't been able to do this summer yet but we will find a way :)
The next day Justin and I went in to have our much anticipated ultrasound to see if we could see how severe Joys anencephaly was, but mostly just to get another recording of her and the chance to see her beautiful little self. We got there at 11 and I was told that my appointment was at nine and that I was marked as a no show. I still do not have words for the way I felt, crushed, stupid... they come close but not right on. I had received the recording the day before but was in the middle of a conversation with a friend and didn't even listen, just pressed 1 saying that I would be there. I felt completely silly but at the same time I was confident that the time I set up was not at nine but at 11. Later I even found the print out they made me that said 11 on it and I remember going in to check my labs from the previous appointment and looked to make sure I had the time right in my phone.
This was no ordinary appointment. This was a highly anticipated appointment, more so than any of my other ultrasounds and now I could not be seen. My emotions were already at the surface in anticipation, that I could not control the water that was starting to pool in my eyes. I texted Justin, who was sitting down waiting, that we missed our appointment. I couldn't even talk because I knew I would lose it if I did. He came over and I left to go and sit down to try to gather myself while he was trying to figure out what was the next step. Clearly he was also emotionally spent. He tried everything to get us seen that day but there was no way. We also found out that we were not scheduled to do the ultrasound in medical imaging where they are able to record it. Something that was so priceless to us. When I was able to regain my composure I went over to relieve Justin. When I got there you could tell that he was about to collapse emotionally. I don't thing I have seen him physically shaking so bad. The poor receptionist was really trying to do what she could with her limited knowledge of what was supposed to happen. The next day we had planned on taking the kids to the zoo with my mom and brother and his family, but when that was the only day open for the rest of the week we said of course. Fortunately they were able to get us in at 8:30 but still without the recording.
After that we left and made it to the car feeling similar emotion that we had felt the day we found out she had anencephaly. We needed an out. So we decided to go buy her some letters that spell Joy and we could use them in pictures of the places we go with her. Justin drove to Hobby Lobby. When we walked in the doors I already felt a little better ;) We found her some letters that we liked and a few other things like an ornament and some beads and charms to make her and I a bracelet. Totally therapy shopping but both of us felt better afterwards.
Now all we had to do was start. Here are a few fun things we have done with our Joy.