Joy's headstone

This is a post that I wrote a month ago shortly after her headstone was placed. I needed to let a good cry out so I dropped the younger two off at my moms and went up and sat with her. I couldnt even sit on the bench at first. I had been so used to sitting on the ground that the bench seemed so far away. I read conference talks and scripture then decided to get my feelings out in a post. Not many people see this side of me so it is good to get it all out there and written so I can remember the tender feelings I had :-) Justin called me and heard my silent plea and brought lunch up to the cemetery. I was not able to finish because I devoted my attention to him. 

It has been a wonderful week. Joy's headstone has been placed and it is beautiful. So much more than I could have ever imagined. Thank you so much for making it possible for us to have such a beautiful place to go.
It has been an interesting flood of emotions that have come with having her headstone placed on our one year mark from when our world was shattered with the most devastating news that we would have to bury a child. I have felt so strong up to this point. I fear that I will forget her but there is so much around me that I think about her every day. So I haven't needed to worry about that. Basically I don't know what is tormenting me. I feel so much gratitude in my life for her and the chance that I had to be with her. I never feel any anger towards my Father or my Savior for having to live my life without one of my children because I understand and see the reasons why. I actually feel deeply honored to be chosen to have an angel as a daughter. But I still miss her. I miss her so deeply that sometimes it is hard to breathe. I wish I could see her and hold her and feel her sweet little hands and skin again. I am just sad. I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to love my sweet baby girl so deeply. How amazing our bodies are to be able to feel this kind of emotion. Such undeniable gratitude and joy combined with heart wrenching sadness. 

My heart still longs for my sweet baby more than I ever imagined, but each day is filled with beautiful reminders that our Father truly is aware of us and blesses us with sweet tender mercies. What a blessing it is that we will one day be able to be with Him again with our entire posterity. That thought truly warms my heart.