Sharing Joy's video

As I sit here at the computer my heart is so full it is hard to express in words. I often see sweet cute cubby cheeked babies and wonder what Joy would look like and what it would be like to smother my face in her chubby little cheeks once more, and my heart aches so badly. I saw the cutest chubby cheeked little probably 18 month old tonight while I was waiting for pizza. She walked right up by me and stood by my side, smiling ear to ear as we chatted about her cute shoes and how pretty she was. She must have known I needed to talk to her and feel that somehow I was saying the same things to my own daughter. After I left my emotions were on the surface and then overflowed as I sat here on the computer reading comments people left on facebook after I shared her video early today. As much as somedays are so painful, I am so grateful to a loving Father in Heaven for allowing me to experience such a sacred time with my family. My testimony now of the restored gospel, my loving Savior Jesus Christ, and a sweet and loving Father has been strengthened immensely and although there are somedays when I just wish I could love on her like a mother should on her baby, I would not trade our experience with Joy. Every moment was so precious, and now seems so perfect. She was more beautiful to us without her hat than with. Her mortal body may have had limitations but her spirit overcame them and made her more beautiful than anything I have ever seen. I have a dear friend who shared recently a post that largely sums up my feelings.
She says "Even though we were broken hearted to know our time with Caleb would likely be limited, we knew that Caleb was an eternally significant part of our family.  We knew that Caleb’s special body was an important part of his mission.  His physical challenges and his celestial spirit were entertwined.  To wish away his challenges would have also been wishing away the opportunity to have heaven in our home." 
Thank you sweet April for being such an amazing friend.
I am so blessed for the opportunity to have heaven in my home and the opportunity to receive all of the wonderful sweet comments that buoy me up and help me remember how truly blessed I am. We have made such wonderful dear friends and grown so much closer to family through this process who have all sacrificed so much for us. So many kind actions have been performed and now gives me a constant goal of doing good for others. If I start crying when I am around you it is not a sad cry, just tears of overwhelming gratitude. To say that I have felt inadequate of the task since the day we first found out about Joy would be and understatement. But through your thoughts and prayers and love, the constant love and encouragement from the most amazing companion, and the constant guidance from a loving Father and His Son, it has been and will be one of the most amazing experiences that I will have the privilege of living through.
To my dear sweet Joy. Thank you and I love you always.

Hide n seek

Joy wanted to play hide and seek today :-) She was hiding really good too!! Jaxon and Jenston came with me today and even they had a hard time finding her after I did. Once we all found her we made snow angels with her. Jaxon is sick so he didn't make one but Jenston and I did. We gave her a kiss and her butterfly a kiss and said see ya later. Love our Joy!!

Talking to strangers about Joy

So just a random post... I called today to make a hospital (last one :-)!!!!) payment over the phone today and since it was a labor and delivery the lady kindly asked how old my baby was. I know a lot of people have had a hard time with this question for a lot of reasons. You don't want to make the person feel bad for asking and it does give your heart a painful little twinge. I have heard a lot of people just answer with how old their baby would be or quickly saying that the baby passed away. My mind raced a little with where I wanted to go. I always have a hard time not talking about Joy. She is still a huge part of my life and I love talking about her!! I replied "oh she passed away she was 5 hours old.. Pause.. We knew she was going to pass away, she had a condition called anencephaly and we were just so happy she made it to term and spent 5 hours with us." I am so grateful for the ladies response! She said "I am so sorry. I am so happy you were able to have her for that long. What a neat experience." It was!! I am so grateful everyday for that experience with my sweet Joy!! We talked for just a second more and in a choked voice the lady told me thank you for sharing. If only she knew how much I appreciated her answer. All of the time people mean well and I know that just one word can affect the way a condolence is received dramatically. Had she said that I should be grateful for the time I had with her it would have been a totally different conversation. But she just simply said she was happy we were able to have that time and expressed a genuine "sorry". She didn't say much but it was more than just "sorry, now what is your card number :-)" I don't think I have ever been offended by something someone has said, I am sure unfortunately the time will come where it just hits me off guard. I know I have been very lucky because a lot of my friends have had some pretty silly things said to them. Even having lost a baby, everyones experience is so different, I still don't know what to say. I am so grateful for this lady's example for me today, I know how good it felt to talk about my Joy and feel good about it afterwards. Now my heart is full and I can have a happy cry :-)

Our Birth Story {little cry}

I am really hoping this works :) I know a lot of you that came to Joy's funeral wanted to see her video again. Justins awesome brother pulled an all nighter to make this for us the night before the funeral and we are so grateful he did. For a long time I wasn't ready to share it with the world on my blog. These moments are so precious and priceless to me and I was very nervous to post it. But now that I have got to that point in her story I figured there wouldn't be a better time. Happy 4 months Joy!

Alright I had a second to get it up on youtube. Can't figure out how to put a large video on the blog yet sorry :)

HERE is the link.. hope it works for everyone

Christmas talent

I know Christmas is over but I thought it would be fun to share our Christmas talent. You can see what goofs we are. Every year our families have talent shows so this is the movie we put together and yes the poor grammer was intentional. I told Justin that I was the cameraman but he wrote it and I had to go with the flow. It was a lot of fun to do with the kids and we did a lot of laughing. Hope you all enjoy.

Click HERE

PS Jenston's part "your a beautiful person but your talent stinks" :) We practiced for a whole week

PSS Happy Anniversary Justin!! I love you more than I ever thought I could. Thank you for truly helping me find Joy in the Journey.

Our Birth Story {Before the OR picture collage}

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have done a post. We have been very busy getting ready for new carpet. We live in a wonderful old house with ugly green carpet. When we bought the house (almost a year ago!) part of the contract was the previous owner buying new carpet for the house. We had a lot we wanted to do before the carpet like put in new baseboard and make sure all the flooring was in good condition which seemed like a daunting task and I was sicker than I had ever been before with our new pregnancy so we decided to put it off until I felt better. As I have mentioned before I started feeling normal a week before we found out our journey through our pregnancy with Joy would be really different and decided that we didn't want to worry about all the craziness so that we could spend less stressful time with her and have life be simple. I am so glad we did!! We ended up repainting  and adding new trim. Makes it feel like "our" home.
Another exciting tidbit, we finally found all of our pictures!! One of our SD cards had been missing and we were so unbelievably happy when someone found it!! There is nothing quite the same as reliving an experience through pictures so that is what I wanted to post today. I really wanted to give something to my daughter so Merry Christmas Joy and to all of you. Love our family!!

 Being a total dork, but it is my last show off belly shot :)

looking for my hooks and my nurse Cathy and I. Cathy works for Angel Watch and has been with us for a long time and helped us a lot!!

Lots and Lots of paper work

 My dad and I. He didn't leave my side all morning

mom white, my brother Eric, Jenston, Jaxon, Jace, Granny Nona, Jaden my mom

 Justin's brother Bryant who ran our video during Joy's birth

Jenston loves papa Ted

NILMDTS photographer Amber, Justin sister JoAnna, L&D manager Georgette, Justin sister Caryn

Time to start getting ready for the OR

Justin sister Dianna and husband Lance

Meeting the Anesthesiologist 

playing rock paper scissors

just need a little comfort

Justin's sisters Shiree and Dianna

time to go

It seemed like a long hallway, but we were all excited to get to finally meet our sweet angel. Joy you have changed my life in so many ways. I continue to feel so blessed to be your mother. Thank you again for choosing our family to spend eternity with. 

I love you with all my heart.

Merry Christmas little miss.

I won't give up

A few months ago... ok more like five months ago, I heard a song on the radio that I loved. I had heard it before but I wanted to see if Justin had heard it so I looked it up on the computer. This time when I listened to it I was alone and had a chance to really listen to the lyrics. I just bawled. I felt like it applied to me in so many different ways. I felt like it was applicable to Joy because we had just decided that no matter what the odds were against us that we wanted to keep her with us as long as she would stay and I wouldn't give up on her. I felt just like the first paragraph of the song when I looked into her eyes. I also felt like it was applicable to Justin and I as we were growing together through this trial. Now as I read the words I still feel like it says a lot of what I am going through. Even though some days may be so different than what I ever thought I would experience, I am going to do the very best I can to find JOY in life every day. I love music. Even though the song may not be taken as the artist intended it, it can touch people a lot of different ways. Grab a tissue :) I still cry every time I read them. 
Here are the lyrics the song is called "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz   If you want to listen to the song here is the link to the music video.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end,
You're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up...